Call me a “spoilt princess”; I still won’t go out with you.
Side note: I used to dance like this baby. Apparently.
For the past few days I have been aware of this post on the ST Forum: ‘A nation of spoilt princesses?‘ from Mr Sultan Niaz, but have been too tired to formulate a coherent response. I got some sleep last night, though, and as a potential “spoilt princess”, I would just like to stick in my two cents’ worth on the issue.
I was born and raised in Singapore. Like all my Singaporean female friends, I have had the privilege of tertiary education, and as such am qualified and able to pursue my own career in the field of my choice. At this current point in my life it seems unlikely that I am going to be getting married at any time soon, much less have kids. And if it so happens that I end up never having children, I apologise in advance for being a contributor to the low birth rate in Singapore. But what I resent is having some male chauvinist come and tell me it is all my fault because I am “spoilt” and “selfish” and “irresponsible”.
Many households also employ maids. As a result, our boys and girls grow up lacking parenting skills and are clueless about household chores. The boys, however, have responsibilities forced upon them in the form of national service. Not so the girls. They are free to place personal ambition above all else.
It is fuzzy logic to assume that Singaporean boys are responsible because of National Service, while Singaporean girls, having escaped the military, are selfish, irresponsible flibberty-gibbets. Many Singaporean males emerge from NS just as clueless about their lives and futures as they were before. And unless the Singapore Armed Forces are also teaching them to change diapers, prepare baby formula and fold baby prams, I don’t see how the fact that boys need to do NS has anything to do with Mr Niaz’s assertion that boys and girls “grow up lacking parenting skills and are clueless about household chores”.
Even when a woman does want to get married, her expectations get in the way. The man must be her ‘type’. He must have a great job, good income, be reasonably good-looking and he must also charm her off her feet before she will contemplate marriage.
In Bangladesh the institution of marriage is so strong that from a young age women feel pressured to get married. Their parents will make deals with other families to get her married to a man of their choice, and the issue of her happiness is secondary to the need for her to be someone’s wife. In this way many women are trapped in marriages with men they don’t even like, and count themselves lucky as long as they aren’t abused or tortured by their husbands. For the sake of their children they will put up with all sorts of domestic violence and abuse from their husbands and in-laws. Is this the sort of society Mr Niaz would rather we have in Singapore?
If marriage was just a means of reproduction, then a woman might as well marry the first virile man she meets. However, marriage is much more than that. It is about finding a partner to share your life with. And if you are wanting children, isn’t it obvious that you should choose your partner carefully, so that your offspring will grow up in a loving family where Mummy and Daddy actually love each other? It will do a child no good to have to live in a household where the parents are in constant conflict.
I do admit that there are quite a few shallow women out there who are still looking for the the 5 Cs and refuse to look at a man who earns below a certain threshold, but those are the extremes. To take them as representatives of all Singaporean women is being incredibly unfair to the rest of us who are just looking out for someone we would be willing to commit to.
As a result, women are spoilt for choice. Egged on by society, free from national service and reservist obligations and not needing a man, they are totally free to focus exclusively on their careers. Choosing to get married and have children is committing career suicide. The conclusion is inevitable. We have raised a nation of ‘spoilt princesses’ unwilling and unable to handle the rigours of motherhood.
To sum up, Mr Niaz’s letter to the ST Forum seems to make the following statements:
1. Men are completely absolved from responsibility in the issue of low birth rates because they have done their National Service.
2. Women are irresponsible and selfish because they are exempt from National Service, and therefore have all turned into single-minded, ball-breaking career women.
3. Women are incredibly choosy about their men, so men don’t even have a chance to bag a woman and have kids.
4. It is thus completely the fault of the woman for being a “spoilt princess”, which is why we have a low birth rate in Singapore.
No mention is made of the stressful lifestyle in Singapore, where Singaporean workers are constantly urged to work “harder, better, faster”. When everyone’s working such long hours and afraid of taking time off, how can they even have the time and energy to think about children? With many jobs now on a contract-basis, many people are lacking the financial stability that would make them feel secure enough to start a family. When you aren’t even sure that you can take care of yourself from month to month and year to year, how can you feel confident of having children and being able to provide for them?
By not taking these factors into consideration and merely pushing all the blame onto women, Mr Niaz has done nothing more than paint a picture of himself as a bitter ex-NS-man who can’t get a girlfriend.
I think the dancing baby is more interesting than the shallow views of that Nuisance Niaz. Good grief, interchange the “a” and “z” in his last name and what do you get??? Ooooooh.
The dancing baby is mesmerising. My mother found it online and showed it to me, and I haven’t been able to stop staring at it since.
spoilt princess? well every girl wanted to be a princess right?
anyway I agree with you,in relationship it should be based on love but sometime it could be based on lust too.haha…
btw I had notice that you’d blocked me in twitter, this is sad though because I am a great fan of your writing in this blog.but on a bright side I still be able to read and comment on your blog. that’s still pretty enough for me anyway.
If one took an objective approach to the AxB =AB issue, what makes him think the fault lies only with A if the AB outcome does not materialize?
Amused that his letter so clearly illustrates suprious correlation: ‘not serving NS’ is positively correlated with ‘low birth rates’ . No different in reasoning to the classic example of spurious correlation: storks are sighted flying over a country that has high birth rates. Ergo, babies are delivered by storks!
It’s so strange that he thinks guys have lived up to their full responsibility just because they did NS.
i’m a guy of “marriage-able” age. I’m single and i’m perfectly fine with that. It’s up to an individual whether he/she wants to get married. So what if guys have to serve NS? it does not mean he will be a good husband and a good father. Since when NS taught us to change diapers and sterilise the milk bottles?
If an individual, be it a guy or a lady, cannot find someone he/she fancies or able to understand and respect each other, then why bother get married? Marriage is a bond of love and happiness, not a bond of misery and torture for the adults and their children.
I think Singaporean men should upgrade themselves with more depth and maturity. Being employed with a fanciful car doesnt means that you have the right to be attached nor the pretty girls will flock to you. Many people hate the Chinese, but I have Chiense friends whose maturity, character and capabilities earn my respect for them.
Should we be so concerned about who’s single and who’s attached and who’s married? Do we really need to abide by social norms and give up the dreams that we can achieve easily with our own abilities?
Good points!
Personally my thinking is that I didn’t study and work so hard to just come out of university and marry the first guy I meet so I can have kids. I would like to be able to put all my study and training to good use first and explore the possibilities in my own life before I start thinking about having children and being responsible for other lives. And I don’t see this as being a mindset specific to any gender: it is a perfectly legitimate standpoint for both young men and women!
Yes, marriage is meant to be as you say, but beyond that, let’s be honest about it, you may have to look in the mirror if you want to base your expectations on that. Because there are expectations on both sides.
That is definitely true! There are expectations on both sides. Women who have unrealistic expectations (such as myself hehehe) should realise that they have no one else to blame for their single status. Same goes for the men.
Wow, what a sexist crockload of bs by Mr. Niaz. It is dangerously approaching the extremist level that you hear about from the most fundamentalist state such as Iran where women are seen as inferior to men.
The low birth rate issue is very common in most industrialized nations. Women have the desire for advanced education, a fruitful career and hence wait longer before considering having a child. Moreover, there is no need for couples to get a lot of kids like in developing nation where numerous progeny can help support the aging parents financially.
Having a child is such a big decision and a big responsibility that I’d rather people delay it and really think about it instead of rushing into it headlong and then realising that they can’t handle the situation!
this niaz guy is working on a presumption which is common among most people who live in a highly competitive and affluent society such as sg. admit it, the better educated you are and the higher standard of living you enjoyed, it is hard to expect anything less(hence, we are spoilt). that’s why it is easy for our men to visit any third world countries and find themselves a young virginal bride – or several. many of these women are just happy to “marry upwards” even upwards entails a 3 rm hdb and the man is very old working as a security guard.
now would our better educated women settle for that kind of guy? no way.
niaz is right, in a way, but his reasons may rile certain people.
he should have just said, the able are all spoilt for choice because with a decent income, there is no need to settle for anything less such as marrying a young and handsome security guard – of course with a kind heart.
that would have surmise.
I won’t call you a spoiled princess, that’s an insult to the concept of nobility. I would however call a self indulgent little girl like you the poster child of all of Singapore’s problems. It’s a pity that women like you don’t come with warning labels so men can clear of your ilk.